Found Poem III
And I’m supposed to not say anything vaguely
from the conscious, because a few boys say so.
And I’m supposed to neatly square everything
inside the flat cut of a porticullis.
And one says that no lists are allowed, nothing
like a catalogue, nothing where my head turns around.
And there’s still another who listens between meals
to no one but himself.
And there’s a few women there, too.
But they look like men.

I have a rule about music, and it is this: All pop singers are either Ethel Merman Singers or Fozzie Bear Singers.

This rule, known Ethel or Fozzie Rule, applies only to singers whose careers began after April 1970, the month the Beatles broke up.

I discovered this rule in the Spring of 1987, when, stoned on hashish perched atop a re-hot paperclip, and it became more and more evident that the histrionics of hard rock were conflated with Broadway show tunes (Ethel Merman), and the mellow, holier-than-thou, subdued vocals of soft pop and college rock, which had diverted into a bathetic grovel (Fozzie Bear).

Ethel Merman (1909-84), born Ethel Zimmerman in Astoria, NY, is one of America's most popular singers. Known for her booming voice, her greatest successes are on the Broadway stage, in such productions as Annie Get Your Gun (1946), Call Me Madam (1950), and Gypsy (1958).

Fozzie Bear remains a member of the popular troupe The Muppets, created by the late Jim Henson. The Muppets reached the height of their popularity with popular variety hit The Muppet Show, which ran from 1975-1980, and continues to be popular in syndication today. The voice of Fozzie Bear is actually Frank Oz (1944-), born Frank Richard Oznowicv in Heresford, England. Oz also provides the voice for other characters, such as Animal, Miss Piggy, Sam the Eagle, and The Swedish Chef. He is now a popular film director, whose credits include the smash hits The Dark Crystal (1982) and Bowfinger (1999).

Perhapd portentiously or inevitably, the Ethel-or-Fozzie Rule was enacted by its primary players, and can now be seen on home video. Ethel Merman was a guest in the first season of The Muppet Show in 1976. The entire troupe of Muppets, Fozzie included, performed a medley of Merman's songs to open that show, along with an Ethel/Animal duet of "Eek/Perfect Pitch." The paeon to the vocal register of that song indicates that perhaps, on that California soundstage, some connection or détente may have been made between these two—the Broadway star, then in the twilight of a career, only to be briefly resuscitated by her disco version of "There's No Business Like Show Business" (TK, TK) and the young puppeteer beneath the stage, uttering "wakka wakka"s during his comedy bit about Gonzo. I have tried to contact Mr. Oz about this matter, only to be rebuffed by his high-powered Los Angeles agents.

It seems strange to talk about it now -- to take something so private and place it in such a public place -- particularly since keeping it secret was so important when I was younger.
I imagine I must have been about sixteen, and I had just about figured out that I was gay. Tony was nearly fifteen -- I went to school with him, although he was in a different year. I met him at a society at school.

He was everything that I didn't feel that I was: confident, athletic and attractive. I had been incredibly quiet ... it was an all-boys' school and being gay was not really an option. I just tried to keep out of everyone's way, out of the firing line. No one knew, but my reticence and retiring nature were apparently as worthy of derision.

Tony, I guess because he was younger than I was, didn't have any of these preconceptions, and I felt more confident with him. He treated me like a human being. It was fun and completely liberating.

I was vulnerable and desperate for some form of affirmation. So I suppose it was inevitable that I should fall for him.

The next year there was a school trip to Greece, and we both went. I introduced him to heavy drinking (on Greek brandy) and I got to know some of his friends. I was slightly uncomfortable with their age, but at the same time it was such a relief not to be relentlessly judged. I listened to bad songs and felt that they meant something to me. I wrote relentlessly in a little red and black book, which wandered between teenage confessional and clumsy porn novel.

I never told him, although I think he knew.

Shortly after leaving school I finally came out to a friend of mine, who was then introduced to this interior world. He found it extremely funny, and with him, I came to realize exactly how trivial the whole thing was. And when I went to University I completely forgot about it.

Ten years later, it still seems so trivial.

He had been the major crush of my teenage years. I still see him now. He has not achieved the heights that my hormone-dazed eyes thought he would -- he is, after all, a flawed and clumsy human. But I still feel an astonishing fondness for him.

I didn't really think it would happen but -- even as I have become entirely comfortable with being gay, had relationships, succeeded in my work and generally become a more open, gregarious and confident person -- he still occupies a part of my head, and I feel warm when I think about him.

It's not the same by any means ... god knows I am not in love with him anymore.

But loving him was what I built my gay identity around -- and in some ways, I could not have asked for surer foundations.

 

What's up with me...
you have no idea how much I want to write a positive entry!! I really hate the whining... but then after I beat myself up for a while I remind myself of the purpose of this journal and that is to have a record of the bad days as well as the good ones. So if there are more bad than good then I have to keep track of them.

Ok.. so I am considering asking the dr. today if I can stop lithium. The weight I am gaining is making me very depressed and I can't take that. I shaved my head yesterday in the hopes of losing a couple pounds.. lol.. no just kidding... I did cut it very short though. Jason said I needed a hair cut and I hate the inbetween stage so it's none or long. He said my hair covered my face... well, of course it did!! I feel more comfortable with that.. it's like hiding. Now I have none.. which I like too for the convenience... curly hair is a pain in the arse to keep up.. without that I save a good 20 minutes a day. On those days I do my hair that is.

So back to the lithium thing. I have noticed that my mania has ceased since I am on it. So that's good. I haven't needed the klonopin since I have been at 600 mg a day for a while. So anxiety is helped. But the depression is so severe and the weight gain!!! I can't take that. I am now starting my second week of 10 mg of Abilify. I am not quite sure if it's doing anything.. or if it's the reason I have been more stable. I just have to find something to help with the depression and negative thoughts. My mind is still a bit racey and I have a hard time stopping it... but other than that I have been pretty stable. So here's the question... are the few negative side effects I have from the lithium worth risking he mania again? I guess that's what I will find out at the dr. today. It's the old one. Still haven't seen the new one.. that will be the 10th.

Voting day. I will vote today. I have to find out where though. They sent the card saying where about 5 months ago... like I am going to keep it that long!! But I will vote and shall I risk saying who I will vote for on here and getting negative comments from those of you who disagree??? hmm.. I won't say... I will say that if you read the majority of my posts though that you can find out that I am fairly conservative and I am a Christian... so that should give you an answer as to whose views I agree with.

and I have to say that I think Kerry looks like a bobble head doll. : )

Oh how I will be happy to not see the commercials anymore and to not get phone calls of countless recordings!!! They don't do anything anyway!! Why do they waste the money??? I don't listen to any of it because all it is is the other opponent bashing the other in one way or another. That goes for all races... state wide as well. I would rather read through some non-partial informative way about what they are standng for. Ok.. enough of all that.. lol...

I hate being hungry!!! ARRRGGG!!!

Get the treadmill soon! And we also may have snow early next week.. ugh. Over and out